Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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