If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
