he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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