Who wears a wallet chain?!
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
