It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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