after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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