That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
