I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
