bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
