Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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