quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
