I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
