alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
