adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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