i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
