No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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