i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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