hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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