i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
