i think my tv is drunk
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
