I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
