I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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