If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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