Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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