she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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