Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
