why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Are we still banned from the library?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
