im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
