The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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