I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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