Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
