He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
