Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
