I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
