shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
