I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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