I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
