i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
