every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
