Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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