Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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