matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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