When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
