you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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