I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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