He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
