The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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