remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
