can we get nightvision for the apartment?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
