i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize