the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
