Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
How does one acquire holy water?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
