i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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