i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
