could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize