just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
